Loaf Wins: Can’t-Get-Enough Crispy Sourdough Bread with Sauce Platter
Really? Another bread platter? I promise, this recipe is absolutely-freaking-delicious, and I am so excited to share it with you guys.
Now, as a white man, the experience of being gay in America has shaped me into someone who is hyperaware of discrimination and injustice. In fact, this country has kneaded and molded me — the same way you will soon be molding white, starchy dough and baking it into delicious bread that tastes fantastic with extreme amounts of condiments. (Mayonnaise is my personal favorite.) That’s why I’ve titled this recipe “Loaf Wins”, in honor of my LGBT brothers and sisters.
A little story for you all: I first started this blog when I was gifted a sourdough starter kit from my aunt. I thought — why don’t I become a food blogger and document my journey with this delicious, guilt-free carbohydrate? Plus, I needed something to put in my Instagram bio besides a quote from Rupi Kaur and emojis of the flags of all the countries I have ever visited. Recently, I’ve been reminiscing about when I first started this blog, so baking this was like my return to Mecca!
But wow, ladies. I hope you like this recipe, because making it was a wild ride. I was in Whole Foods, perusing their range of sauces, when I noticed a young man lurking around the shelves. He looked like he was from a rough neighborhood. What was he doing in Whole Foods? Why did he keep picking things up and putting them down? I called the store manager to explain the situation, but it turns out that he was the store manager and he was checking inventory. He started calling me all sorts of slurs, such as “racist”, and told me that it was because of people like me that our President is a…Well, the last thing I want to do is bring vulgarity and politics into this blog (that’s not what you’re here for) so I won’t repeat what he said. It was a lot of emotional labor for a little sourdough platter!
Reflecting back on what happened, I found the accusations he hurled at me incredibly hurtful. I am not a racist. I’m willing to say on the record that I would support a number of powerful Black Women for President, such as Michelle Obama and Oprah, two people who have said they don’t want to run for President, and…well, I can’t think of any others, but what I will do is include a link to a YouTube compilation of Oprah saying she loves bread. Honestly, when I smelled this sourdough coming out of the oven, I felt like I was Oprah. And speaking of Black Women, RuPaul should just be President anyway, amiright? Sashay huntyyy! Slay queeeeeen!
Again, I just don’t see how I could be called “racist”. Besides including several culturally diverse recipes on this blog, I totally think brown and black boys are super hot, and I’d even be willing to date an Asian, as long as they looked like one of the members of BTS. (Jimin could definitely get it. Konnichiwa? More like konnichiWOW.) Think of all the exotic recipes their family would have passed down from generation to generation. Gimme some of that Oriental rice-flour cake, baked with yeast from the East! And obviously, I think it’s uncool that people used to write “no fats, no fems, no Asians” in their Grindr bios.
Let’s be fair though — it’s not discrimination to say you wouldn’t date someone fat. It’s all about personal preference. It’s my personal preference to date people who subsist exclusively on protein shakes and twice-frozen, dehydrated acai berries soaked in lukewarm water. Maybe it’s your preference to adapt this recipe to have half the suggested amount of flour. (Don’t worry, I won’t judge. Those calories won’t burn themselves.) Anyway, the experts say that being thin makes you attractive: When you’re hungry all the time, you get grumpy, which means you don’t even need to make a conscious effort to pout! There’s a reason people comment “Skinny Legend!!” on all the soft-porn Instagram photos I intersperse my food posts with. But again, I have nothing against fat people or Asians or People of Color.
You know, if we’re really at the point where we’re “cancelling” me — a gay man who is not racist — this country has stepped too far into the realms of tribalism and political division. It’s times like this that I realise the far left is just as vile as the far right, perhaps even more so since I usually find their activists less attractive. In fact, someone commented on my last blog post that I was “ruining” this blog with my political opinions! Someone else commented that “liberals hate leftists more than they hate fascists”. I’m not even sure what some of those words mean…It’s been a long two years since I got my double major in Communications and Glass-blowing.
Seriously though, today’s political climate gets so overwhelming. If you’re feeling like me, then baking this warm, pick-me-up loaf is just what you need to remember all is right with the world! Kneading this beautiful white dough is so relaxing. It’s a great way to release any pent-up frustration, loneliness or other personal problems you might have!
My final word of advice is that while organic eggs are usually better for sourdough, they can be overpriced! If you get them at Walmart (shh!) they will be doubly cheap because both the workers and the chickens involved have been abused.
